Happy Birthday to me, I’m 32.
As of yesterday, my official birthday.
While it should be all happy, I honestly was having anxiety.
There is a lot going on (reason this post didn’t make it up yesterday and is so late today). The movers came to take our things to the new state we’ll be moving to. If you’re anything like me, then you know that means anxiety. Especially when not having everything in complete order like I would have liked.
It has been overwhelming to think about, “what’s next, what’s there for me, the kids, us as a family?” and not have any clue.
My husband reminded me that, “no it isn’t ideal or perfect but we’ll make it work and we’ll be ok.”
I know he’s right, but man, when you’re in that fog of stress, anxiety and overwhelm, its hard to see through it. It just comes over you heavy.
Oh, and it didn’t help that yesterday morning he didn’t wish me a happy birthday. He just carried on, as he says, “to make me mad then surprise me”. He knew I was mad too.
However, he did surprise me when I came in from dropping the boys off; he was standing at the door with my gift, cards, happy birthday wishes, hugs and kisses. He’s lucky cause he was about to be in trouble. Lol
Oh my gift: an Instant Pot.
I’ve been saying I want one, he listens. (smile)
Truth is, him doing that kind of did help. It broke up my tension. It allowed me to laugh and calm down. Now, the day wasn’t totally free from all feelings of overwhelm, but it was much more relaxed and I’ve had a chance to think about Chapter 32, my birthday.
My life doesn’t look like I thought it would when I was a 12 year old little girl glancing into the future at her adult self.
Though it looks different, my life is beautiful.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m blessed with a great husband, our marriage is solid, our family is beautiful, kids are amazing, I have my health and I have my parents and extended family and friends who love me and support my kids.
Acknowledging that in itself makes for a Happy Birthday.
Even the fact that this is my first birthday not being able to call or text my brother, “Hey did you forget something today?” or getting a text or call from him knowing my mom probably just reminded him, “today is your sister’s birthday,” because he isn’t here, it’s still a happy birthday. I never minded any of that though (his forgetfulness) because that was just our relationship. We’d laugh, he’d tell me happy birthday and he loved me, and that’s all I needed. We were good, and I miss that (definitely had my moments), but I also know that while not ignoring that pain it’s important to still be in the moment of love with the people showing me love right here, right now.
The day was spent mostly with movers and carpet cleaners. We went out to eat, not many options in this small town, so hibachi was the choice. There was no birthday outfit, none of us were dressed up at all. I use the term “dressed up” loosely. I mean, none of us had on any decent casual clothes.
The boys had come from school and been playing at a friend’s house and they looked like it, baby girl had baby food on her clothes and mine. Husband and I were in, ‘we’re in the middle of cleaning and moving’, clothes. Remember our stuff has been packed away and moved, we only have very few things with us.
Cake and Candles
I blew out candles on a melted ice cream cake, that was sliding and left a trail of ice cream on the counter, and was also surrounded by baby toys and random things. We enjoyed that cake though.
It was a struggle birthday but it will always be remembered. My 32nd birthday was special because it wasn’t perfect, it came on the day of a move, but it was with the people I love, and my first birthday with my baby girl present.
This birthday was another reminder to stop, be in the moment and view it from the heart and not from expectations.
I am thankful for the gift of life and entering Chapter 32.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
Thank you Lord for being who You are, never changing but always blessing, even in the midst of uncertainty, pain, grief, and the trials of life, we can trust that you are still there to be leaned on.
From the Heart