Grief comes after loss but how do you grieve what you can’t accept is gone?

No warning, no preparation, no one could have seen this coming, that at 26 years old you’d give the fight of your life, then ultimately take your last breath and leave us forever.

Brother, I miss you immensely.

One year later and I’m still waiting to turn that corner of grief. That corner where on the other side you find peace, where you start to rest more easily, where one can breathe and not endure the smothering of anxiety.

For twelve months, I’ve sat in fear and worry. Fear of what’s going to happen next, fear of answering calls and what news may come through the line, fear of being alone, fear on fear on fear.

Anger, confusion, guilt, tears, and pain, even while trying to lean on faith.

Grief is complicated.

My heart is unable to fully process what my mind knows as truth.

It’s been twelve months and not a day passes that I don’t think about you. Not a day passes that I don’t feel the heaviness of your loss but also not a day passes that I don’t ponder how I may truly honor your 26 years of life and just who you are.

I say “are” in present tense and not “were” as in the past, because you will always be present in my heart, in my mind, present in how I now choose to live out my own life.

The fullness to which you lived, the depth of your impact on others, the legacy that remains attached to your name, will never die.

This load has been heavy to carry. My heart, spirit and mind working overtime, as I’ve wifed, mothered, and put one foot in front of the other, carrying out day to day living even as I’ve battled the grief happening underneath the surface.

It’s like being split in two.

To not have completely lost my mind, crumbled, and fallen off the deep end has not been due to any strength of my own. It is only because of a higher power taking residence within me. It is only by the grace of God.

How I have managed to survive this year is by pulling from the strength of Ronell and the kids, from Mom and Dad, group texts and Face Time with Shanita and Brittany whenever I was home alone with the baby and I couldn’t stand the silence because my thoughts ran wild and I’d break down.

I pulled from the strength of Aidan, that boy gave me a run for my money last summer, I look at him and see you and I’ve pulled from anywhere I could.

A trying twelve months and real rollercoaster ride it has been and while I don’t have all the answers of how the next twelve will go, what I do know is that you and your life have inspired me to push forward for my dreams.

I wish you were here, wish I could shoot you a text or get a call from you, see you and get one of your tight hugs, hear your loud mouth and crazy laugh, I really wish I could.

Allen, thank you for being you.

Thank you for living fearlessly, thank you for leaving an imprint on so many lives, especially mine.

I chose to stay off social media today because I know the posts and pictures would all just be too much to handle but I needed to pour my heart out the best way I know how. Write.

I’ll continue to share you with the world every chance I get.

I miss you forever.

Love your one and only, crazy, attitude having with any girl you brought around, protective, will check anyone real quick over you, defensive, proud, big sister.

One day I’ll see you again.